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Thursday, September 29, 2011

pathetic

When I was little my mom put me in dance. I wanted to do it. My friends were doing it. I had fun doing it. I stopped doing it.

Why?

Because I was afraid that when I got dropped off for dance, I would never see my family again. That something terrible was going to happen to them or me.

I was little. Why would I have thoughts like that that stopped me from doing something I loved?

Years went by and I entered Jr. High. Fun field trips came along like California, Washington, NYC, etc. I wanted to go. I knew I would have fun. Out of the handful of school trips I could have gone on through out my highschool career, I only went on 2.

You know why?

You guessed it! My mind went wild with all the scenarios that could tragically happen and I didn't go. Even the 2 I went on my parents, friends and myself really tried hard to convince my brain that it would be fun and nothing bad would happen.

I leave Saturday to NY. A vacation all to myself. How exciting right?! And I am. But, that's right folks, im about an internet page and button away from cancelling my trip. All because of this fear i get when im about to leave my family.

I wish I could figure out why I do this. Why my mind goes wild with all the horrific tragedies that "could happen" (but odds are they wont). What if my plain crashes? My kids get in an accident? Vance gets hurt at work? etc. etc. and beyond.... It's been bad this time around.

Yep. Pretty pathetic if you ask me. I know I cant possibly be the only one that does this.

Lets hope I make a great friend on my flights to help focus my mind on things that aren't so rediculous.

3 comments:

mommyx12 said...

I guess we're both pathetic then because I am the same way. Maybe that's why Vance and I didn't leave the kids for a few days until last year when we went to Minnesota. Pathetic I know, but when I did go it was so fun. I never knew how fun it could be to have a break even for 3 days. I think, all those years and I never took a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I too had opportunities but never took them. Well, I did go to Seattle once but still had the baby with me AND Vance was home. I didn't worry much then because Juli was with them too and she has always been awesome.

You know what helps though, get a blessing before hand. Then you can have that peace you need. Good luck!

love you

Missy said...

that must be really hard! I tend to freak out and worry when I'm away from Dallin for more then a few hours during the day. Thoughts of him starving or being distressed because I'm not there go through my head. Why do we do this to ourselves?! I think it's worse when you are a mom, because you feel responsible to make sure everyone is taken care off all the time.

Maybe a blessing like the pp said would be helpful for you? Something that could give you assurity that everything will be fine. I hope you feel better and that you DO go on that trip!

Nettie said...

Heather, Bonnie and I were both like that as kids and as adults. I even cried when I sat on the stand during the primary program, even though I loved to sing and be a part of it. The separation just did something to me...it wasn't even a conscious thought, my body just worried and cried for no apparent reason. Even in high school, Sunday nights were awful because I knew Monday was only a sleep away. On a few occassions grandma sat in her car in the parking lot at school to see if it would ease the stress. It didn't. I'm so sorry you have that plague too. Did you go? Did you have fun?